How Do I Make You Remember Me?

I’ve been so convinced for so long that if I could just get him to remember who I am, he’d snap out of it. Talking myself into the fact that everything that was broken could be mended.

And the kids would have a dad again.

And I would have my beautiful life back.

And she would not exist in our world.

And I would wake up with the starlight back in my eyes.

Pretty fantasy. Inconceivable goals. Not going to happen.

No, not because he won’t remember me.

But because I finally understand. I don’t need him to remember me.

I need to remember me.

The sadness is still heavy, but I’m shouldering it…and truly getting ready to lay my burden down. I’ve been chipping away at the shackles holding my wings and I can feel them starting to beat in the wind again. I am breaking the concrete that has encased me for so long and watching the tender sprouts shoot through the fresh soil. The air filling my lungs is sweet and thick with nourishment. The sunlight feels warm against my skin and the food I eat continues to reveal a new flavor each day.

I am starting to live again.

I wish I could tell you how I began to understand the need to readjust the pronouns in that sentence. To look at who I was actually speaking to. To hold up a mirror. But I’m pretty sure there is no trick to it. And no short cut, either. Sorry. It comes down to is time. It is patience. It is perseverance. It is grace. It is forgiveness. And it is focusing on gratitude. That is what eventually propels us forward.

It is that difficult and that simple all at once. I know it’s frustrating to hear, but don’t stop. The finish line is there amongst the pain, somewhere. And it will blindside you as completely as the starting line did. There is no warning. One day you will look around and be there. All you have to do is keep moving.

And life won’t be perfect…but life never is.

And the children will have the dad he chooses to be. And the dad they choose to accept.

And I will have my beautiful life back. My life is beautiful because I choose to make it so.

And she will exist forever and always in “our” world…even if he came walking back through that door. But she doesn’t have to exist in MY world.

And I am beginning to wake up with starlight in my eyes…looking for the joy in each new day, because it is a gift that I choose not to ignore.

And, he will wake up someday. He will snap out of it. He will remember me.

But I am the one who is a pretty fantasy. An inconceivable goal. Not going to happen.

Because I have chosen to forget who he was. And remember who he is.

Because I finally remember who I am.

And he’s not good enough for me.

 

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14 thoughts on “How Do I Make You Remember Me?

  1. he sure as SHIT isn’t! well spoken my dear friend. this life of yours is FILLED with people who value, love, and have the opportunity to deserve you. ~linds

  2. best one yet! <3 ~ I don't always comment but I want you to know I am so proud of your progress & how you are able to weave your feelings into his blog. Kudos!! :)

  3. I copy linds saying……..he sure as shit doesn’t deserve you. YOU are too good for him. YOU are awesome. YOU are loved by many.
    Lesly

  4. I don’t know you – Actually it takes alot for me to comment. You commented after me where I wrote something about the expense of the new Martha Jewelry… I clicked on someone’s comment and they were send a box of free Martha Stewart things too and their blog posted the same thing – a beautiful piece made by here lovely new things… so I decided to keep clicking on everyone’s comments to see if this was a thing…. Martha’s company send out free things – everyone makes stuff on the same day and they all blog about it but truthfully it is pricey – that is not the reason why I am commenting….
    Your blog is beautiful – so beautiful – it overwhelmed me with feelings…. first my father left my mother after 30 years of marriage – there was a “her”…. he was 50 she was “21″ … I loved my mother so much – the hurt was horrid when I tried to look in here eyes…. I never spoke to him again – he died when he was 70 – dropped dead taking a walk with a massive heartattack, my mom is still alive and independent and yes – she did lead a happy happy life!!!!! I think deep down – she never loved a man like she loved my father – but she made it! You will too!!!!
    My mom is very old fashioned (from italy) type of woman – I stopped my life – stopped college for that last semester – three days before finals… we shopped and she CHOSE her first car… I taught her how to write a check and how to balance a checkbook – she saved every penny (scrubbed floors on her hands and knees for $5.00 an hour when he left) and has brought herself from grief to happiness. I hear it in your words…. it will happen to you!
    Your post also helped me to deal with my own grief – I am a caretaker for my son who is 19 and has severe autism and profound mental retardation. We’ve come a long way – but he had a grand mal seizure and lost everything he learned for 17 years…. he doesn’t understand much of anything – he now has traumatic brain injury and there are days when I grieve for him – his pain (medically fragile) coupled with what I seem to see in his eyes (he seems so sad – it is like he knows he used to understand things a little bit and now is lost in this world)…. He suffers daily – although he is alive, I want him to live as happy as possible…. Your post helped me with my grief -your words are so sincere – from your heart…. I thank you for this.
    I will sign off on this “book like comment” by remembering what I tell myself sometimes when I am in my darkest moments….
    1. “don’t forget to do something for you every single day” – go outside and take five deep breaths to smell spring….
    2. MY FAVORITE “ONE DAY AT A TIME” and some days “one hour at a time” is so important
    There are more, but I’ll stop… (I am not a stalker, or whacked, just a mom who is sad alot…)
    All my love to you…

    • Oh my. I don’t think you are a stalker at all. This is the beauty of blogging. People show up and share with me and I heal a bit more each time.
      Thank you so much for sharing this chapter of your life with me. I sincerely appreciate your openness and I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. I am so sorry about your son. How painful! As a mother I can only imagine. And I will pray for your pain and his to be eased. Please know that your two items will go in my “me” box and I will pull them out. You are so kind to take time to write me. Thank you so much and all my love back! <3

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