Today’s goal for me is complete honesty. Today is about my true, raw emotions. Because part of the reason for this blog is to share my voice, so that’s what I’m doing. Do you have a goal set for today? I hope so. This one is not easy for me…so be gentle.
I’ve been working on saving my marriage for a long time. I have read every book I could get my hands on, I’ve gone to every support group I could find, I’ve talked the ears off of anyone who would listen to me…I’ve cried, I’ve struggled, I’ve finally given in to the inevitable and realized that I can’t do it by myself. And the simple fact of the matter is that my husband doesn’t want to save our marriage.
So I have to find a way to accept what the new reality of my life is. And, I’m doing that. It’s hard…but I’m doing it.
And, it’s pretty big learning curve for me. After all, I’ve been with my husband for half my life. It’s a daily process. Some days are much better than others…and surprises of surprises, some days I succeed in moving forward.
One thing I’ve found completely mind-boggling, though, is the sheer number of books, websites, etc., etc., that suggest that I get a manicure.
Now, I have to say I’m probably over simplifying their premise here; however, I can pretty much guarantee at some point in a divorce recovery book, someone is going to recommend a manicure.
Now, please understand, I love getting a manicure. There is NOTHING wrong with manicures. But you have to understand, to me, the end of my marriage feels like a death.
Because MY husband is dead. The man I married no longer exists. Someone who looks, sounds, smells, and moves like him still exists. But the man who looked upon me with love shining from his eyes is no longer there. And he’s not coming back. And I loved him. I still do.
MY marriage is dead. It no longer exists and will never come back. It wasn’t perfect. But, it was mine. And I loved it. I still do.
And you’re suggesting I get a manicure.
In life, there are all kinds of death. I am not, for one minute, minimizing your loss if your spouse has died. I’m only trying to explain my feelings on my life to you. The man I married is gone and he’s not coming back. Please don’t tell me to get a manicure.
Understand that this a process of mourning for me. This is a decision I didn’t make and don’t want and can’t change. This is true grief I’m experiencing. I respect that you are trying to help me process my grief; however, if you don’t know what to say, say nothing.
Just hold my hand. We’ll paint my nails later.