Would you tell a widow to get a manicure?

Today’s goal for me is complete honesty. Today is about my true, raw emotions. Because part of the reason for this blog is to share my voice, so that’s what I’m doing. Do you have a goal set for today? I hope so. This one is not easy for me…so be gentle.

I’ve been working on saving my marriage for a long time.  I have read every book I could get my hands on, I’ve gone to every support group I could find, I’ve talked the ears off of anyone who would listen to me…I’ve cried, I’ve struggled, I’ve finally given in to the inevitable and realized that I can’t do it by myself. And the simple fact of the matter is that my husband doesn’t want to save our marriage.

So I have to find a way to accept what the new reality of my life is. And, I’m doing that. It’s hard…but I’m doing it.

And, it’s pretty big learning curve for me. After all, I’ve been with my husband for half my life. It’s a daily process. Some days are much better than others…and surprises of surprises, some days I succeed in moving forward.

One thing I’ve found completely mind-boggling, though, is the sheer number of books, websites, etc., etc., that suggest that I get a manicure.

Now, I have to say I’m probably over simplifying their premise here; however, I can pretty much guarantee at some point in a divorce recovery book, someone is going to recommend a manicure.

Now, please understand, I love getting a manicure. There is NOTHING wrong with manicures. But you have to understand, to me, the end of my marriage feels like a death.

Because MY husband is dead. The man I married no longer exists. Someone who looks, sounds, smells, and moves like him still exists. But the man who looked upon me with love shining from his eyes is no longer there. And he’s not coming back. And I loved him. I still do.

MY marriage is dead. It no longer exists and will never come back. It wasn’t perfect. But, it was mine. And I loved it. I still do.

And you’re suggesting I get a manicure.

In life, there are all kinds of death. I am not, for one minute, minimizing your loss if your spouse has died. I’m only trying to explain my feelings on my life to you. The man I married is gone and he’s not coming back. Please don’t tell me to get a manicure.

Understand that this a process of mourning for me. This is a decision I didn’t make and don’t want and can’t change. This is true grief I’m experiencing. I respect that you are trying to help me process my grief; however, if you don’t know what to say, say nothing.

Just hold my hand. We’ll paint my nails later.


9 thoughts on “Would you tell a widow to get a manicure?

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you’re at the end of your marriage. That’s an awful place to be.

    My marriage ended suddenly with a text message. I received the same silly advice. It’s been almost 4 years and I still haven’t had that manicure:)

    • Thank you! I’m sorry you received a text. How awful. It just strikes me as so odd that people keep telling me to go pamper myself when I am literally just trying to take my next breath. I know it will eventually get easier, but I’m still in shock.

      • Maybe a pedicure? Just kidding:) I think that people want to help and they just can’t comprehend the level of pain that you’re in. One thing I did (that felt silly at the time but really helped) is I made a list of little things that were helpful and I emailed it to friends and family. They were relieved to have ideas and I was relieved that people stopped asking me if I wanted to get drunk and hit on guys in bars.

        In the meantime, all you have to do is take one more breath. Hugs:)

  2. Today you made me cry…don’t compare your grief to that of a widow. Your grief is much worse than a widow. I know my deceased husband loved me to the end .. Yours has said ” I know longer love you”.that is mean and cuts to the core. No one deserves that. You are very wise to do this blogging…it will help you heal. Sharing and just getting it out of you. Your life partner should bring you to greatness but it only works whe two people work at it and both pull in the same direction. You will be fine just keep looking forward…not backwards. You are an amazing woman. Be well Meg.

  3. Your post brought tears to my eyes and the expression I wore when someone told me to watch a movie (it turned out to be a romantic one) just after my marriage broke down. Ever since I roll my eyes at anyone who asks me, ‘so which movie have you watched recently?’, and ask them, ‘what would you do if the thing you gave your life to, shattered? Would you watch a movie?’, I hope you find strength in the passing time to deal with the changes in your life.

    • Thank you for commenting. Today is a hard one, but I hear that they will get better 🙂
      I honestly haven’t painted my nails in forever…it’s kind of like a mental block I think. I hope you are finding your days easier and I hope you find peace too.

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