Today’s goal is forgiveness.
No, not for him.
I have to be gentle with myself. I have standards I hope to live up to and I fail…often. Because I’m fragile.
Sometimes, it is so hard to swallow all of the hurt and rejection. Sometimes, it is hard to know that he picked her over me. Sometimes, it is just hard to be alive.
And I crack under the pressure because my burden is heavy.
I scream and cry. I wail and moan. I keen.
My soul is crushed and I can’t seem to contain my misery.
But then, there is a glimmer of light. One of hope that let’s me know I don’t have to be perfect.
Today’s glimmer of hope was realizing that I have more control than I thought. I don’t have to live like his wife anymore. I can think of what is best for me…first.
I know you probably think that is a silly thing to not understand…but I’ve been a wife for so long, that it really never crossed my mind.
Here is how I’m going to try to remember this when the emotions overwhelm me:
I don’t deserve this. I never did. And if he can say that to my face, and really believe I deserve this, then that is his problem. If he has lied to himself to the point that he truly thinks the woman who gave him three beautiful children and a life for twenty years deserves to have her soul ripped in half, then I truly feel sorry for him. And there is something wrong with him. Really, really wrong with him.
And my hope for him is that he doesn’t get what he deserves.
I guess I lied, I’m trying to forgive him too.