Talking to a Dead Man

Today is not a contact day. My right eye is swollen almost completely shut. (Not sure if it was the tears, allergies, or lack of sleep…I’m sure it’s all of the above).

And I’m really, really sad. Really sad.

Last night we all sat at a restaurant…and by all, I mean my husband, myself, and my children…to celebrate my oldest daughter’s birthday.

And, I didn’t slam his face onto the hibachi grill when he handed her a lock and key necklace for her birthday and told her he’d hold on to the key for her to protect her heart until she was ready to give it away.

The whole time I wanted to scream “WHAT ABOUT MY HEART??? YOU DIDN’T PROTECT THAT!!!!” So, I guess I should get some major points for only having that come out here and not in the middle of the restaurant. (Well, not to mention the points I deserve that his face is still intact and unburned…but that is something I would never actually do, so I guess that doesn’t really count.)

So, aside from having my precious baby girl turn 18 (which is really, really rude of her if you ask me 😉 )the last few days have been a very emotional ride for me.

But, here is the thing about emotions. In choosing to acknowledge them, I am refusing to let them control me. I am choosing to allow the goodness remain in my life and release the horrible gnawing feeling of emptiness.

Emotions are not bad. It’s what you choose to do with them that can lead to damage.

So, here and now, I am choosing to let the last words I say to my husband be, “I hope you have a beautiful life. I love you.” Yes, I really said that. To. Him.

Every word I say to that man from now on will not be to my husband. My husband is dead.

That is reality. As much as it hurts to admit that and accept that, it is the unfortunate truth and I have no way to change anything about the situation. I have tried harder and longer than I ever thought possible. The only thing I am in charge of is me.

The man who replaced him will have my pity. And he will be someone who I happen to have to deal with.

I am choosing to let my character lead me, not my situation…and not the ramblings and horrible choices of a lost and broken man.

I am going to pry my eye open and take my children to a movie and out to dinner. I am going to live.

And, from now on, I will be in charge of protecting my heart.

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6 thoughts on “Talking to a Dead Man

  1. I always repeat…and this too shall pass. Sometimes I would say…But WHENNNNNN!!! but it worked. I am so much better! It took a year…It was 30 years of hell of trying to hold onto a man and now my depression has lifted Oh God happiness is mine. It can be yours too with father time!! One foot in front of the other luv!

  2. Meg, you’re so much a better human being than I will ever be. Please keep writing; you are amazing. I would love to send you a gratis copy of my book, which is in part about my own painful divorce and recovery. If you’d accept it, please shoot me an email with a mailing address, to jennifer@jennifergraham.com. You’re doing great, much much better than most people ever do in your circumstances. Thank you for sharing your stories.

    • Hi Jennifer,
      Thank you for saying that (although I’m sure you are an awesome human being too). I try to keep writing and I would love a copy of your book. I’ll email you. Thank you for commenting 🙂

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