Would you tell a widow to get a manicure?

Today’s goal for me is complete honesty. Today is about my true, raw emotions. Because part of the reason for this blog is to share my voice, so that’s what I’m doing. Do you have a goal set for today? I hope so. This one is not easy for me…so be gentle.

I’ve been working on saving my marriage for a long time.  I have read every book I could get my hands on, I’ve gone to every support group I could find, I’ve talked the ears off of anyone who would listen to me…I’ve cried, I’ve struggled, I’ve finally given in to the inevitable and realized that I can’t do it by myself. And the simple fact of the matter is that my husband doesn’t want to save our marriage.

So I have to find a way to accept what the new reality of my life is. And, I’m doing that. It’s hard…but I’m doing it.

And, it’s pretty big learning curve for me. After all, I’ve been with my husband for half my life. It’s a daily process. Some days are much better than others…and surprises of surprises, some days I succeed in moving forward.

One thing I’ve found completely mind-boggling, though, is the sheer number of books, websites, etc., etc., that suggest that I get a manicure.

Now, I have to say I’m probably over simplifying their premise here; however, I can pretty much guarantee at some point in a divorce recovery book, someone is going to recommend a manicure.

Now, please understand, I love getting a manicure. There is NOTHING wrong with manicures. But you have to understand, to me, the end of my marriage feels like a death.

Because MY husband is dead. The man I married no longer exists. Someone who looks, sounds, smells, and moves like him still exists. But the man who looked upon me with love shining from his eyes is no longer there. And he’s not coming back. And I loved him. I still do.

MY marriage is dead. It no longer exists and will never come back. It wasn’t perfect. But, it was mine. And I loved it. I still do.

And you’re suggesting I get a manicure.

In life, there are all kinds of death. I am not, for one minute, minimizing your loss if your spouse has died. I’m only trying to explain my feelings on my life to you. The man I married is gone and he’s not coming back. Please don’t tell me to get a manicure.

Understand that this a process of mourning for me. This is a decision I didn’t make and don’t want and can’t change. This is true grief I’m experiencing. I respect that you are trying to help me process my grief; however, if you don’t know what to say, say nothing.

Just hold my hand. We’ll paint my nails later.

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Contacts and Marathons

Okay. So now you know what you believe and why you believe it. (I hope you do…if not, go back think about it again. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, just pick one thing and really figure it out.) And if what you believed simply isn’t true, you got yourself a new belief. Right? RIGHT!

Here is today’s challenge: Figure out how to do something…ANYTHING…to move yourself forward. For me, it is to put my contacts in today.

Yeah, Meg, that’s huge.

Well, you know what? It IS huge.

It means I didn’t cry so much yesterday that my eyes are too puffy to wear my contacts.

It is good to have a goal like this. It centers me when I cry and makes me think, “Is this worth not wearing your contacts?”

I’ll let you in on a little secret…sometimes I don’t reach my goal for the day.

I’ve worn my glasses for two days straight, and that is saying something because I feel positive and hopeful among the pain right now.

But, guess what! It’s okay!

I’ve got something to aim for. And when I examine my reasons for crying, sometimes they ARE worth not wearing my contacts. Sometimes, life just sucks in that moment. But here is where setting that goal comes in and completely changed the way I look at my life:

My tears don’t define who I am anymore as a failure or as weak. I look at my tears as a pathway to strength, because they are allowing me to release my pent up stress. It’s the way I deal with my situation. It’s the way I examine my emotions and then let them go.

So, that’s my goal. How about you?

Find something like that for yourself. Maybe your goal is to put two feet on the floor this morning. Maybe your goal is to run a marathon. I don’t know. Your goal can look small or huge to others and that doesn’t matter. What matters is it is HUGE to you! Because, sometimes the thought of putting two feet on the floor can look like running a marathon.

Here is the thing, they both start with one foot.

Move your foot!

You can do it!

I know because I did. I moved my foot.

And if I can, anyone can 🙂