In my life before I used to be very crafty. Not the beady-eye person looking to take advantage of you kind of crafty…the kind of crafty where I enjoyed creating things of beauty with my hands. I used to see potential in everything I touched. I enjoyed making something old useful and new again. Recreating was a part of my day.
I stopped that completely. It all seemed so pointless and silly to me. None of it worth anything. And I couldn’t figure out how something that had brought me joy for years, even before my marriage, could now feel so hallow to me.
But, I finally figured out why. And in fact, one of my good friends finally put into words yesterday what I couldn’t…If I laugh, or enjoy this now, that makes me feel like I’m saying the rest of it is okay…that it doesn’t matter any more what was done and that my life as I know it is over.
I wanted to scream YES!!! THAT’S EXACTLY IT!!
I also finally figured something else. I am not bringing my life back by denying myself joy. I am not bringing my husband back with anything I do. It’s not up to me.
What I am doing is denying myself my life by denying myself joy. Just because I laugh, or do something fun, or find something fulfilling, it doesn’t mean the rest of it is okay. It means that I am choosing to be kind to myself in spite of everything else. I am choosing strength and love over my situation. I am choosing to live rather than to curl up and take it. I am choosing to not hide my light and let myself shine.
So, yesterday I went with my daughters to a cupcake class that they had gotten me for Mother’s Day. Due to life and schedules, we had been unable to make it work until then. We had dinner. We laughed. And, we created.
I created this out of airheads candy and a bit of white fondant and a plastic bag with no piping tip. Professional? No. My best work? Not even close. A huge accomplishment? Absolutely!!
And do you know what happened? I won the creativity contest and received another class as the prize.
And this morning, my son asked me to make him a cold lunch so he could bring it to school and show his friends (and eat it).
And, I had fun.
My problems are still my problems. I am still hurt. I still feel sad. I still long for my life back. The rest of it still isn’t “okay”.
But, I lived in that moment. And that truly was okay.