I’m not even going to tell you about the jokes I had to put up with when that book was on the reading list in school.
But, it is a question I’ve been asking a lot lately.
I’ve been searching, and searching, and searching for that voice of truth. Or peace. Or at the very least, any voice that says no you’re not going mad and I have a plan for even this to work out for the good…
I’m sure that there is something I’m supposed to be seeing, or hearing, or finding, or, or, or…
But life won’t shut up long enough for me to find out what. I am trying so hard not to let the fear overcome me. But I am afraid. This is hard. And I still couldn’t even tell you what I did wrong. Other than the fact that I thought I was happy…we were happy. Not perfect. I never said perfect. But I loved my life.
I know I’m going to be okay. Everyone says I will be, so it must be so…
Does the gaping hole go away?
Does the grief go away?
Does my constant companion, fear, move out after the dust settles?
Will I ever figure out why?
Does it help if I do?
Are these normal questions?
Why is it every time I feel like I’m moving forward I end up in the same spot?
Will I ever not think of my life now as the life “after”?
I‘ve begun reading Ayn Rand. I’ve tried emotions…maybe it’s time to let logic in.