Many, many, many days have passed in which I am able to pull my big girl pants up and get on with the day. There have been struggles, for sure; however, I do think that I am turning a corner of more better moments than bad moments. More laughter than tears. More focus on my life that is than my life that was.
But…I still have moments of weakness and pain.
And, when those moments come, I am truly unable to stop myself from reaching out to him.
Am I a masochist?
A glutton for punishment?
No…not at all.
The simple answer is that I still think my husband is in there somewhere. I still love my husband in spite of all the hurt.
He’s not in there though.
The man who replaced him told me “I’ve outgrown you”.
Yes, he said those words.
After 20 years, three children, and more ups and downs than I can even list…”I’ve outgrown you. I’ve outgrown this house, this life and everything it represents”.
I didn’t really have a response for that. I mean, truly, what can you say to something like that?
But, it does amplify the fact that there is literally nothing I can do or say to the man who promised me his life forever that will change the course of this situation.
There isn’t a “but if he only knew this” or “if I could just get him to see that”. It’s not up to me and never has been to save this marriage.
I. CANNOT. SAVE. MY. MARRIAGE. ALONE.
So, I made a decision. I took control where I could. I finished a huge project looming over my head. I packed up the personal items and clothing he had left here in the house ~ nicely and I made sure breakables were protected, not for him, but because I am a good person ~ and I gave it to him.
And I have my room now. It’s mine. All about me. And what I want. And where I want it. And how I want it.
If I fall down seven times, I’m going to get up eight! I am not going to stop pushing myself forward. I am forgiving myself for still loving him, because apparently I can’t stop doing that right now. And I am going to not let his behavior dictate how I feel about myself. And I am not going to let the person he’s become change the loving and amazing person I am.
In fact, I hope all the stuff he left here still fits him. (Probably won’t though, considering how much he’s outgrown everything…)