I Am

“The worst thing in the world is putting in a tremendous amount of time and effort into something you never had a chance of accomplishing in the first place. Playing a game with honest effort that was lost before it ever began.”

That sums up perfectly how I feel. I feel like a fool. I feel like I didn’t have all the information and was at the wrong end of the field. Heck, I was on the wrong field completely.

And I agonize over the fact that the love of my life led me to the wrong field and left me there.

And I miss him. Not who he is now, who he was.

Where I am now is a foreign world and it’s one I don’t really like. It’s scary and full of new things that I am unsure of.

And when I look at the news feeds from Boston, I break down. Because life is fleeting. And there are crazy people out there who want to make it even more fleeting. And I want to take everyone I love and hold them close. And I want to go out and share that love with all of those hurting people.

And while I’m doing that, there is a huge, gaping hole where he should be standing. And it kills me that it is completely by his choice and there is not a thing I can do about it. And it makes me shake all the way down to my bones.

But, you know what?

I am doing it.

I am alone…but I am doing it.

I am still standing, even while I shake.

I am still breathing, even while I cry.

I am still loving, even with a broken heart.

I am still here.

I am strong.

I am enough.

I am.

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4 thoughts on “I Am

  1. Your last words brought me to tears…but perhaps most things with emotion do that to me these days. Thank you for helping me see “more” in what I view as the “crappy existence I am currently living”. I am still breathing, even while I cry. I want to feel love again, but it seems broken. I know I love my children, but I can’t find that “feeling” of love living inside me…just a big black hole. I would love for you to “fix” that for my…but based on your most recent post, I will refrain from asking you to do that for me. 😉 I am just grateful that I can read your words and know that someone else is still breathing as she is going through this. Tanya

    • Tanya, the love will come back when you realize that you have to love yourself first. YOU are worth every bit of love that is coming to you from your children and your friends. Don’t let one person take that away from you! I am still in tremendous pain; however, I know that he is losing, not me. Be sad. Let it happen, Do the work on yourself and watch yourself rise out of the ashes. You can do it! I am doing it and I’m just an ordinary girl…nothing special…no different than you. xoxo Meg

  2. Thank you for your words. I will read them over and over to light the space where darkness has taken hold…
    The words “I am enough” resonate deep in my soul. It was in the last few years of our marriage where I would say them to him, but add a few more…”I feel like….I am not good enough”. I will keep the picture of just those three words. I am enough. xo Tanya

    • Just remember, normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings…especially those they claim to have loved. There is something wrong with HIM…not you. Don’t take the blame away from where it belongs. That is not yours to carry. Breathe and know you are more than enough. Always!

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