“The worst thing in the world is putting in a tremendous amount of time and effort into something you never had a chance of accomplishing in the first place. Playing a game with honest effort that was lost before it ever began.”
That sums up perfectly how I feel. I feel like a fool. I feel like I didn’t have all the information and was at the wrong end of the field. Heck, I was on the wrong field completely.
And I agonize over the fact that the love of my life led me to the wrong field and left me there.
And I miss him. Not who he is now, who he was.
Where I am now is a foreign world and it’s one I don’t really like. It’s scary and full of new things that I am unsure of.
And when I look at the news feeds from Boston, I break down. Because life is fleeting. And there are crazy people out there who want to make it even more fleeting. And I want to take everyone I love and hold them close. And I want to go out and share that love with all of those hurting people.
And while I’m doing that, there is a huge, gaping hole where he should be standing. And it kills me that it is completely by his choice and there is not a thing I can do about it. And it makes me shake all the way down to my bones.
But, you know what?
I am doing it.
I am alone…but I am doing it.
I am still standing, even while I shake.
I am still breathing, even while I cry.
I am still loving, even with a broken heart.
I am still here.
I am strong.
I am enough.