Awesome Is As Awesome Does

In my old life, my children played sports every day of the week. They either had games or practice and my husband coached. He coached every single game of every single sport every single one of my children played.

We spend weekends at tournaments or meets. We spent weeknights at ball field and gyms.

And when he wasn’t coaching or watching, he was playing.

To say that I am athletic would be an overstatement of the facts.

In fact, I am short and somewhat squishy.

To say that our life had balance would be a joke.

It was pretty much all sports all the time.

And I was not always happy about it. I did complain. I asked to do other things. I would like to go hike. Or to the theater. Or anything other than, say, sports.

It didn’t work out that way. We did sports all the time.

And, then he left. Because we “had nothing in common”. (Um, okay, 20 years and three children plus a lifetime of memories and shared experiences…right, nothing in common. Whatever you need to say to make this okay in your brain man. Whatever you need to say.)

And now, in my new life, my kids still have sports…and I still spend my weekends and evenings supporting them. And I do it, not because I love sports, but because I love my kids. And I will support them until the day I die.

And, now I do it alone.

After working all day. And keeping the house together. And making sure everyone is fed. And clothed. And cuddled. And where they need to be. And loved. And feeling secure. And trying to heal them and myself in the midst of it all.

awesome

And my husband is out hiking and going to the theater and doing all the things I asked to do with someone else.

I’m kind of angry about that.

And it’s an odd feeling because the majority of my feelings up until this point have revolved around sadness.

I have to say, I don’t like feeling angry. Even though it’s a normal emotion, it is an uncomfortable feeling for me. It is strange to say, but it’s actually easier being sad. Weird.

So, where does that leave me?

Is the situation unfair? Yes.

Is there anything I can do about it? No.

That’s a lie. There is something I can do about it.

I can choose to let it go. And I’m trying to do that.

Don’t confuse letting go with approval of the situation. I am accepting that I can do nothing about it and I am choosing myself over the anger. It’s the difference between healing and hurting yourself. And, I don’t know about you, but I have been hurt enough.

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