One

So, in less than a month I’ll be at the one year point.

one

The one year point from my 40th birthday.

The day I woke up to nothing.

The day I was told “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.”

The day my twenty year relationship was changed forever.

I didn’t realize it at the time, of course. I was completely unaware of the existence of “her”. I was going to spend the next 7 months thinking it was me and something I did (and, therefore could fix). I was going to desperately “work” on my marriage. Alone.

In the time that has passed during this year, I have been to hell. I have been to the edge…living much of the time in a darkness that is inexplicable. It consumed me. It nearly killed me.

I nearly let it. And, honestly, at times, I would have been okay if it did.

But here’s the thing.

It didn’t kill me.

It swallowed me whole and spit me out the other side.

And, now I have almost a year under my belt.

And I am a completely different person.

But, I am so much stronger than I ever thought. And I have such love that surrounds me on a daily basis.

And, I will wake up to nothing again on my birthday this year.

But, it will be on my own terms this year.

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Being Human

You can start over again! Don’t even think about quitting now! It’s easy to replay in your mind how things didn’t work; how much you lost; what you’re going through; and how angry you are. There’s no amount of conversation or magic that’s going to wipe the slate clean. You’re wasting valuable time and energy that could be used to regain a new normal, and start another version of your life. Even though you’re hurt, and you may be feeling down ~ stop kicking yourself! Face what has happened, and make the decision to start over again.

In life, friendships change…divorces happen…people move on, and others die. Money and jobs will come and go. Live long enough, and your health and body will change. It goes with the territory of being human. The fact that you’re still here gives you an advantage. Don’t look back. Look straight ahead!! Decide to use all of your knowledge, skills, and experiences, as well as your life lessons from your mistakes, defeats and setbacks, to start over again. Life changes. You may not have the same life as before, but you can still enjoy your life! You deserve! ~ Les Brown

This is what I woke up and read this morning on Facebook. Thank you Marisa.

Here is what I want to add… you not only CAN enjoy your life… you SHOULD enjoy your life.

I truly don’t believe we are put here to suffer and then die.

I believe we are put here to make the world a better place. Help one another. Lift each other up. Support each other. Locally and globally.

Find what you are good at and then go DO IT! Share your talents.

LOVE.

And how can you do that if you don’t take care of yourself first?

It’s simple.

You can’t. It cannot be done.

You have to love yourself first. You have to forgive yourself. You have to move on and allow yourself to let go.

It will be okay.

Take care of yourself…take care of the people around you…then, take care of everything else you touch. And if you can’t, well then at least don’t screw it up worse.

If we each did that in our own little corner, we’d be living in a much different place.

You DESERVE!

I DESERVE! 

How many times have you let that inner voice stop you because it said something different?

I’m not letting it say anything other than what I want to hear any longer. I’m just not.

Change the voice. Just change it. Make the decision and move on.

I dare you, just choose to make a better you and see what happens…

Staying Alive

I realized the funniest thing today.

My life, as I know it, has changed.

No, not my married vs. single life. The quality of my daily existence has changed.

It is an ever evolving target that I didn’t realize I was constantly aiming for and pushing forward.

When I look back, it’s easy to see the progression of my daily objectives:

It used to be to stay alive. Yes. Just stay alive.

I moved on to drawing breath on my own. Like I used to…n0t having to remind myself to do it, just breathing was impossible for a while.

Then it moved on to putting my feet on the floor.

I progressed to dressing.

And when I could handle that, I decided to go crazy and throw showering in the mix.

I moved on to schooling my face to react in the appropriate manner to people and not carry the hallow, worn out look of my soul on the outside.

Then, I began to engage in conversations that didn’t revolve around me and my misery.

I started to look for opportunities to heal with an activeness that defied my energy level.

I came back into the world of the living.

And, I finally have morphed into a regular human being again. And none of those things that I had to relearn are hard any longer. They became real. They became who I am and what I do on a daily basis. I don’t know exactly how or when, but they did.

Admittedly, I still have a very hard time with eating and sleeping. Neither of those seems to come easily. I have to remind myself that the rhythms of life demand both; however, I am making strides in those departments too.

And, I am back at full capacity at work…in fact, most days, over full capacity.

I think it was a combination of my pushing and people pulling me, and I can honestly say I am surprised that I am still standing here. But I am. I still have a very long road of court dates and settlement talks ahead…but I’ve made it this far and I’m not giving up now.

Because, it’s a beautiful to be alive again, and I’m not willing to compromise that for anything or anyone, ever again.

Moving On

I don’t generally swear.

Much.

But this has to be shared:

mtfonA friend posted this on Facebook. Although our situations are different, the message applies the same.

Move. On.

Just move on. It will be okay.

I promise.

I am not saying that you should not learn from the past. I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve for your losses. I’m not saying it makes any sense. It never will.

What I am saying is that there comes a time when it is perfectly acceptable to look at the mess that someone else created and realize there is nothing there for you. There is nothing you could have done differently. There is nothing you can do to justify what happened. There are no explanations. It’s just there. It’s just reality now.

And, when you move on…it’s the best feeling in the world. Doors open that you didn’t even realize were closed. People show up that you didn’t even know cared. Life happens. It’s different, it’s scary to do, it’s daunting and sometimes a little painful…but it is a million times better than pining  and wondering and beating yourself up. It’s a million times better than focusing on someone who doesn’t deserve to be focused on. It’s a million times better for you.

Now, there is a time for massive support. The very beginning is horrifying. You don’t know if you are coming or going. I found a support group of people going through the same thing. I found comfort there. But, I started to notice that I was feeling better and every time I went back, I felt worse because I was focusing on what happened…not what was coming up in my life. I was talking about the past and not the future.

WHY?

I can’t change that. I can only change what is still going to happen.

So I left the group. I took control and gave myself permission to move on.

And, I left my old life in the past. (I know it had already left me a long time ago…but I was still holding on…so I let it go.)

And you know what happened?

I’m breathing on my own. Every. Day.

And you know who is not?

Yep, you guessed it.

My ex. (Anyone notice this? It is the first time I am referring to him as my “ex” in print. Can I get a high five?)

My guess is that it will continue to spiral down for him as I continue to grow stronger.

Do you know why?

Because guilt will do that to a person. It is heavy and weighs you down. And I have nothing to feel guilty about.

So, this is my new life. I am in charge. I even painted my nails. And, I wouldn’t go back now even if I could.

me&kids

Who saw that coming?