Moving On

I don’t generally swear.

Much.

But this has to be shared:

mtfonA friend posted this on Facebook. Although our situations are different, the message applies the same.

Move. On.

Just move on. It will be okay.

I promise.

I am not saying that you should not learn from the past. I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve for your losses. I’m not saying it makes any sense. It never will.

What I am saying is that there comes a time when it is perfectly acceptable to look at the mess that someone else created and realize there is nothing there for you. There is nothing you could have done differently. There is nothing you can do to justify what happened. There are no explanations. It’s just there. It’s just reality now.

And, when you move on…it’s the best feeling in the world. Doors open that you didn’t even realize were closed. People show up that you didn’t even know cared. Life happens. It’s different, it’s scary to do, it’s daunting and sometimes a little painful…but it is a million times better than pining  and wondering and beating yourself up. It’s a million times better than focusing on someone who doesn’t deserve to be focused on. It’s a million times better for you.

Now, there is a time for massive support. The very beginning is horrifying. You don’t know if you are coming or going. I found a support group of people going through the same thing. I found comfort there. But, I started to notice that I was feeling better and every time I went back, I felt worse because I was focusing on what happened…not what was coming up in my life. I was talking about the past and not the future.

WHY?

I can’t change that. I can only change what is still going to happen.

So I left the group. I took control and gave myself permission to move on.

And, I left my old life in the past. (I know it had already left me a long time ago…but I was still holding on…so I let it go.)

And you know what happened?

I’m breathing on my own. Every. Day.

And you know who is not?

Yep, you guessed it.

My ex. (Anyone notice this? It is the first time I am referring to him as my “ex” in print. Can I get a high five?)

My guess is that it will continue to spiral down for him as I continue to grow stronger.

Do you know why?

Because guilt will do that to a person. It is heavy and weighs you down. And I have nothing to feel guilty about.

So, this is my new life. I am in charge. I even painted my nails. And, I wouldn’t go back now even if I could.

me&kids

Who saw that coming?

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8 thoughts on “Moving On

  1. A friend linked this post on my facebook page recently and I just got around to following that link tonight. Alone. With a glass or 3 of wine.
    My 11 month old daughter is at her fathers for the weekend because he’d rather only see her 48 hrs out of every 2 weeks than be with me.
    Hard to say, really, where or when it went bad. He waited until after she was born to tell me he’d changed his mind about marrying me and about the life he promised. Said he didn’t want to stress me during my pregnancy. I’m struggling to find the mercy in leaving the mother of your child alone in the hospital with her newborn baby still in the NICU.
    She’ll have her first birthday party in a few weeks and I still can’t wrap my brain around the idea that her mommy AND daddy won’t be in attendance. He avoids being in the same room with me. Says I’m too emotional and that he’s repulsed by the way I keep trying to grasp at something that’s been dead and gone for a long time. I don’t understand what makes them so calloused and hateful, after all, he’s the one doing the leaving. Why hate me?
    My comment is really just to tell you I spent my Friday night reading every one of your blog entries and frankly its the first time in all of this that I’ve come across someone who sounds like they might have an idea of the kind of pain I’m suffering. I’m nowhere near being able to “leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on” but its good to know it can be done….until then, thanks for a good cry!

    • Michelle,
      The only way he can move on is to hate you. I “turn his stomach” daily. He has been nothing but hateful to me through this entire process and he’s the one leaving. It is something I (and you) will never understand.
      I have three children who were all preemies and spent time in the NICU…I am so sorry that you had to experience the amazing terror of that alone.
      As to the birthday, I know it doesn’t seem like it’s possible, but please cherish it if you can. Your daughter is a gift and deserves you, as whole and complete as you can make yourself. From now on it is all about YOU!!! That is the beauty (if you can call it that) about this whole situation. You will never understand, you will not feel safe or whole again (or, maybe you will…I don’t), but you CAN and WILL survive and someday leave the pieces where they are and move the fuck on…because YOU deserve it. This is not for him…it’s for you. Eventually, you will be able to see him as the pathetic man he is and not the man you married. Trust me, they are two different people. I still often wonder where the boy I married went. I miss him. You have to grieve, because he is gone…dead. The cruel cosmic joke is that the man who took his place has the same look and voice, but will never look the same or sound the same ever again as the man you know.
      You are not alone. It will eventually stop killing you a little more every day and start to feel like you aren’t carrying a heavy burden. Until then, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers…and that in this journey to find my own healing, it’s been people like you who have helped me move along.
      Much love to you!
      Meg

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