I realized the funniest thing today.
My life, as I know it, has changed.
No, not my married vs. single life. The quality of my daily existence has changed.
It is an ever evolving target that I didn’t realize I was constantly aiming for and pushing forward.
When I look back, it’s easy to see the progression of my daily objectives:
It used to be to stay alive. Yes. Just stay alive.
I moved on to drawing breath on my own. Like I used to…n0t having to remind myself to do it, just breathing was impossible for a while.
Then it moved on to putting my feet on the floor.
I progressed to dressing.
And when I could handle that, I decided to go crazy and throw showering in the mix.
I moved on to schooling my face to react in the appropriate manner to people and not carry the hallow, worn out look of my soul on the outside.
Then, I began to engage in conversations that didn’t revolve around me and my misery.
I started to look for opportunities to heal with an activeness that defied my energy level.
I came back into the world of the living.
And, I finally have morphed into a regular human being again. And none of those things that I had to relearn are hard any longer. They became real. They became who I am and what I do on a daily basis. I don’t know exactly how or when, but they did.
Admittedly, I still have a very hard time with eating and sleeping. Neither of those seems to come easily. I have to remind myself that the rhythms of life demand both; however, I am making strides in those departments too.
And, I am back at full capacity at work…in fact, most days, over full capacity.
I think it was a combination of my pushing and people pulling me, and I can honestly say I am surprised that I am still standing here. But I am. I still have a very long road of court dates and settlement talks ahead…but I’ve made it this far and I’m not giving up now.
Because, it’s a beautiful to be alive again, and I’m not willing to compromise that for anything or anyone, ever again.