An Open Letter to Myself ~ Part Two

Well kid, you did it.

You made it through today.

More than made it through. You are ending the day in a peaceful, joyful, and loved space. Simply by allowing yourself to be open to what is.

Life is so very different now, but then, is sameness truly what anyone craves? Life is stagnant without change. And you are anything but stagnant.

And the fear of living without him? Guess what?

livingBecause there is no doubt now… YOU. ARE. LIVING.

And from now on, it will be out loud 🙂

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An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Meg,

One year ago tonight, you went to bed as a married woman. You were still reeling from the fact that your husband chose to skip coming to your parent’s house for your 40th birthday celebration…but you went to bed with the realization that all marriages have ups and downs and things would work out. They always did.

One year ago tonight, you had your last full night of sleep. You know how the story turned out. You didn’t know it at the time but you found out much later he had already been with her for over two months at that point and you know how the rest of the year played out. You know you woke up to an empty house on the morning of your birthday, devoid of any thing but the ever cliché “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” You know you spent the next eight months being snowed. You know all of this.

Here is what you fail to remember:

You are not only surviving…you are thriving. You are here every day for your children and you are surrounded by love. You have people in your life who would do anything for you. You have moved forward, even in the midst of the most soul shattering pain in the universe. You have overcome every obstacle and horrid piece of indigestible information that’s been thrown at you. You are uncovering your light and becoming who you were meant to be…and you’re a little closer each day. You are hurt. You are bruised. You are tired. BUT YOU ARE HERE! You have created a world of plenty and happiness out of nothing for your children. You are doing an amazing job on your own.

So tonight, as you prepare to go to sleep, and as you know you will wake to an empty house in the morning, I want to tell you a few wishes I have for you.

~ I want you to rewrite your future and never stop reaching for your dreams.

~ I want you to be grateful for the most beautiful gift you have ever gotten, the chance to discover what you are truly made of.

~ I want you to remember that you do not ever, EVER have to settle for less than you deserve.

~ I want you to know, deep down in your bones, to the very core of your magnificent soul, that you are enough.

~ I want you to dig deep for the strength to forgive and set yourself free.

~ I want you to rest and relax and finally find the full night sleep that has alluded you.

~ I want you to experience the joy that remains with your children, family and friends.

~ I want you to be.

And when you wake up in the morning, and rub the sleep out of your eyes, I know you will have a few moments of doubt and fear and sadness. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel those emotions and release them with love. Because you do not need to hold on to someone who does not want to hold on to you. There is more to this world than a man who deserves your pity and runs away from his commitments. You have grieved long and it has been hard. You may cycle back, but it’s time to surrender to what is.

Open yourself up to the life you are meant to lead and embrace this new year with abandon! This letter next year will be worlds apart from this one and all you have to do is write it.

Happy Birthday.

All my love,

Meg

Erasing the Past

He’s erased me from his life on Facebook. (Duh, Meg, he’s erased you from his real life too! I know that; however, for some reason this feels different.)

The years of family photos, and photos of him and I, and ones of just me are gone.

I am trying to understand the moving forward.

I guess I just can’t fathom the erasing of the past.

Truth be told, it’s certainly not the worst thing he’s done to me.

But to think of this man, with whom I built a life, sitting at a computer just intentionally deleting images of me pulls the breath out of my lungs.

Who does that?

And why? Always why….

Some Days…

Some days I’m sick of turning the other cheek.

I want to scream from the rooftops about the injustice of what has happened. I want to wail about the fact that my husband is off on vacation with another woman…living…without me. I want to bemoan being a single mother. I want to explode at the fact that this person who used to share my life wants to include “her” in my children’s lives and activities. I want to spoon my mental eye out when I think about all of them together.

And I want to cry at the deep and forever loss of the man who used to be. Because, he’s gone. And that is really, really sad.

I’m worn out.

I’m tired of having to search for the beautiful everyday.

I’d like it to just be there.

I’d like to tell you that I just wake up positive every day. And that I know it will be okay every day. And that I’m okay every day.

But, some days, that’s just not true. Some days it is still so hard to get out of bed (if I make in there at all in the first place). Some days I honestly think it’s just not worth the effort to be the better person.

Some days…it’s so easy to forget that I’ve already made it through some pretty tough crap.

Some days, this is all that gets me through.

Hopefully, it keeps being enough.