Some Days…

Some days I’m sick of turning the other cheek.

I want to scream from the rooftops about the injustice of what has happened. I want to wail about the fact that my husband is off on vacation with another woman…living…without me. I want to bemoan being a single mother. I want to explode at the fact that this person who used to share my life wants to include “her” in my children’s lives and activities. I want to spoon my mental eye out when I think about all of them together.

And I want to cry at the deep and forever loss of the man who used to be. Because, he’s gone. And that is really, really sad.

I’m worn out.

I’m tired of having to search for the beautiful everyday.

I’d like it to just be there.

I’d like to tell you that I just wake up positive every day. And that I know it will be okay every day. And that I’m okay every day.

But, some days, that’s just not true. Some days it is still so hard to get out of bed (if I make in there at all in the first place). Some days I honestly think it’s just not worth the effort to be the better person.

Some days…it’s so easy to forget that I’ve already made it through some pretty tough crap.

Some days, this is all that gets me through.

Hopefully, it keeps being enough.

 

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2 thoughts on “Some Days…

  1. (*tears*) Meg, I can feel your words, raw and visceral in my heart as if I wrote them. The tragedy and searing pain of the “forever loss” and and all future “together” dreams evaporated brings such gut wrenching sorrow. Exactly that has really kicked my butt this last few weeks. The pain is as raw and constant as it was when he first left. Its maybe even worse because I now see what “living” without him brings with it and what it doesn’t include. I wonder if I was just fooling myself that I have healed at all in the last 5 months, it sure doesn’t feel like I have moved far from the constant grief that permeated every pore. It scares me that this will be “forever” and I too will have to search and dig so hard to find a small trickle of happiness in every day. I continue to walk through the paces of my day, but do so with a gut-churning pain that is ignited with memories, what-ifs, never-agains, and new moments that seem void of meaning. A month ago, in the midst of this, I got a phone call.. I almost lost my daughter. The incredible fear as I spent nights by her bed in the hospital, not knowing “how to do this” or what the next moment would look like was beyond anything I have known. I shut everything down but the current moment I had…I could only allow that in or I felt I would completely and fully unravel and not “make it back”. I knew beyond wanting to escape my own pain and fear that I had no choice, my daughter and my son need me. So i did just that…I kept moving through moment by moment.

    I am grateful you shared the quote that you did…that we all have made it 100% through each moment that came before this current one. If there are days, hours or weeks where that is all I know, I will remember that. Its good advice! My heart is sending you much love, know you are thought about and in no way alone as you navigate through this CRAP. May peace find its way back deep into your being…
    Tanya

    • Thank you so much Tanya. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter!!!!! I hope she (and you) are okay. How terrifying.
      I know what you mean about not being able to “make it back”…I fear that, often. And I hear what you are saying about the previous healing. Some days…it seems like square one.
      I know, in my heart I know, that it is a “forever loss” in so, so many ways. The grief gets so heavy. So heavy. And to know that I am the only one (between my ex and I) who feels the grief makes it so much more suffocating.
      Thank you for the love being sent. I haven’t written in such a long time because I try to be positive here, and, well, I’ve been so…well, trying to hold on so I don’t have to try to “make it back”.
      I will be praying for you and your daughter (and son). I am thinking of you too!
      ❤ Meg

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