An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Meg,

One year ago tonight, you went to bed as a married woman. You were still reeling from the fact that your husband chose to skip coming to your parent’s house for your 40th birthday celebration…but you went to bed with the realization that all marriages have ups and downs and things would work out. They always did.

One year ago tonight, you had your last full night of sleep. You know how the story turned out. You didn’t know it at the time but you found out much later he had already been with her for over two months at that point and you know how the rest of the year played out. You know you woke up to an empty house on the morning of your birthday, devoid of any thing but the ever cliché “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” You know you spent the next eight months being snowed. You know all of this.

Here is what you fail to remember:

You are not only surviving…you are thriving. You are here every day for your children and you are surrounded by love. You have people in your life who would do anything for you. You have moved forward, even in the midst of the most soul shattering pain in the universe. You have overcome every obstacle and horrid piece of indigestible information that’s been thrown at you. You are uncovering your light and becoming who you were meant to be…and you’re a little closer each day. You are hurt. You are bruised. You are tired. BUT YOU ARE HERE! You have created a world of plenty and happiness out of nothing for your children. You are doing an amazing job on your own.

So tonight, as you prepare to go to sleep, and as you know you will wake to an empty house in the morning, I want to tell you a few wishes I have for you.

~ I want you to rewrite your future and never stop reaching for your dreams.

~ I want you to be grateful for the most beautiful gift you have ever gotten, the chance to discover what you are truly made of.

~ I want you to remember that you do not ever, EVER have to settle for less than you deserve.

~ I want you to know, deep down in your bones, to the very core of your magnificent soul, that you are enough.

~ I want you to dig deep for the strength to forgive and set yourself free.

~ I want you to rest and relax and finally find the full night sleep that has alluded you.

~ I want you to experience the joy that remains with your children, family and friends.

~ I want you to be.

And when you wake up in the morning, and rub the sleep out of your eyes, I know you will have a few moments of doubt and fear and sadness. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel those emotions and release them with love. Because you do not need to hold on to someone who does not want to hold on to you. There is more to this world than a man who deserves your pity and runs away from his commitments. You have grieved long and it has been hard. You may cycle back, but it’s time to surrender to what is.

Open yourself up to the life you are meant to lead and embrace this new year with abandon! This letter next year will be worlds apart from this one and all you have to do is write it.

Happy Birthday.

All my love,

Meg

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7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Myself

  1. Megness, you have been in my life for most of my tragic events. You are going through one of the top two – the loss of a spouse. I do believe (though I don’t know first hand) the death of a spouse would be easier as there would not be all of the abandenment issues and all the emotions you are going through now. When I lost Tim, though devastated, I remember watching Randy. He was grieving and totally destroyed like I had been through the divorce when he was perfectly fine. It occurred to me, that though Tim’s death was something no parent should go through, it is the same as divorce (at least to me). Of course, I was a wreck when Tim died….it seemed nothing like what I went through recovering from the divorce. My explanation? I had already been through an enormously tragic death…..my marriage. I had walked this path, it sucked but it was familiar and therefore, easier to handle. Had the circumstances been in reverse (Tim dying/Randy leaving) I believe the divorce would have seemed nothing to lossing a child. Why do I tell you this? In my experience, which might not be everyones, I’ve already journeyed the most horrific, devastating, life altering, etc. event in my life. When I had to do another one, I survived with must less trama because of my previous experience. Am I glad about all that? Certainly not, BUT it was an upside when i lost Tim. My divorce made me strong, strong for my kids so I can truly help them through anything (or so I feel), it made me appreciate the good things in life. It also had made me accept no shit from anyone and take no prisoners when I am being abused by life. To the world, it made me a bitch – at least when I am being threatened (of course, if I was a man, it would make me wonderful because that is the world we live in)…..anyway, youth know me, you saw the good, bad and ugly changes….keep the bad and ugly in c..heck, hold on to God, he will never leave or forsake you…You know my give-a-damn is busted…..I hope yours just becomes broken but repairable – guard your heart from bitterness – it busts things…..I love you my friend, Happy Birthday, I hope the air is fresher, the grass seems greener and you have the best day of your life!

    • Annie, I will always be there for you…and I so agree with you on your view of grief. I will try to do what we talked about and protect my give a damn. I love you!

  2. Oh Meg…..You are a wonderful person. I am so happy that you started this new blog. It is an inspiration to see/read you change and grow and become whole again. I miss you.
    Lesly

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