All {Wo}Men Are NOT Created Equal

Notice I don’t say born. I say create. Whether by upbringing, circumstance, choice…we create who we are.

Daily.

That’s why we aren’t created equal. I say we start out equal; however, what we create is vastly different. Because some people create beautiful beings of love and others create selfish beings of…well, selfishness.

We change daily. We choose to create a better person or a worse person. But we don’t stand still. Regardless of how it feels, you are not the same person you were yesterday. And you will not be the same person tomorrow you are today. The path you are on is forged by how you perceive your life. And the choice and goals you make.

Are they self-centered? Or, do they include somehow sharing your talents with those around you? Do you perceive what you are doing as useful? Or do you hate it? Are you choosing happiness, but not at the cost of those around you? (Because I paid a terrible toll for what one man perceives as happiness.)

I realized today that my husband would probably still be living in the house if I hadn’t found out about “her”. He didn’t have the integrity to tell me about “her”. He didn’t choose to be honest. He chose to do the “easy” thing and pretend. He is still in denial and continues to spin yarns about reality. He chose to create the life he currently has by those actions.

I chose to create the life I currently have by being strong enough to say no. By looking fear in the eye and say, “But, I deserve better!” By being honest and understanding that my perception of our relationship was just that…my perception. One person can only contribute 100% to 50% of a relationship. And if the other party is not being honest, there is no way to fix things.

You can choose to become better. You can choose how you view your situation. Perception is huge in (re)building your life. Reasons are huge.

I believe that is what has tripped me up for so long. I don’t know why this is happening. There are no rational reasons. I can’t seem to equate the man who was with the man who is. When did he create this person? The one with no loyalty? The one with no honor? How did I not see it happening?

But, does it stand to reason that if I find out those answers I’ll be any better? Will it change anything?

No.

My perception of the situation is what it is and will be what it is. But the choice is mine.

The only way I can be better is to choose to be better.

Yes, my life is in a shambles.

Yes, everything seems to be falling apart or falling away.

Yes, there is nothing stable to place my feet upon to keep me upright.

Yes, it is exhausting to be constantly on my guard, trying to decipher between the continued lies and what is actual truth.

I can’t control what is happening to me. I can control how I happen to the things happening to me though. I can choose to smile through the tears. I can choose to hold my head up. I can choose to keep reaching forward and not let the past encase my heart in cement.

Just as I have chosen to perceive fear as a bully, I choose to look to the future with anticipation instead of trepidation. I am going to look back as a barometer for my progress, and that is all.

I am creating a wonderful me and I’m not apologizing for it!

 

 

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On Your 42nd Birthday

Today, on your 42nd birthday, I did not wake up and sneak downstairs with the children to prepare you biscuits and gravy to bring you breakfast in bed. I did not lovingly wrap a thoughtful present and sign a pickle card with words of love and encouragement and inside jokes to make you laugh. I did not buy balloons. I did not help the kids pick out gifts. I did not hold your face and look into your eyes and tell you I love you. I did not wish you many, many more so that we could have a lifetime together. I will not go out to dinner with you and our children to celebrate the day you were born. I will not do any of these things ever again.

She will.

The man I knew at 22 and at 32 was infinitely more compassionate and honorable than you are. He was loyal. He was mature. He was selfless. Happy Birthday to him.

The man I knew at 22 and 32 would look at who you have chosen to become and pity you. Happy Birthday to him.

The man I knew at 22 and 32 would have never chosen to associate himself with what you are doing and would have opened our home to the victims and opened our wallet to help. Happy Birthday to him.

He would never, ever, have taken his eyes off his wife and children. Happy Birthday to him.

My birthday wish for YOU is that you remember who that man was. Even if it is a fleeting memory. And that you understand that he is who your children love. And he is who your wife misses. And he deserved good things.

From now on, August 15th is going to be just another date on the calendar for me. Another date for me to wake up and pour love on the children you left behind. Another date for me to reach out and make someone’s day brighter. Another date to reach for the stars and impact the world. Another e..date for me to mourn the passing of my husband and the birth of you. Another date to continue pushing forward and move on…without YOU.