People say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back over the “end times” I can see more clearly now. I couldn’t see it then, mostly because I never imagined divorce as an option for us. And because he is a good liar. He had me snowed. And I believed him. I believed that even under what ever the “issues” were, he was a good man, who was honorable and would live up to his vows. And, though that may have been true of who he was (because, if it’s not, then he’s an amazing actor) it is most certainly not true of who he is.
And, of course, there are the points I see clearly now that I can say I “should have” done something…pushed more, pulled less, spoken up. But the fact remains, I loved him and trusted him and ultimately that love and trust didn’t save our marriage. It couldn’t. Because, as I’ve finally accepted, I could not. I just could not. He wouldn’t let me.
No, he wouldn’t let me. He didn’t want me to. He failed me hugely. I most certainly have my portion of the blame up until the point he decided to become a cheater, as anyone would in a relationship; however, the ending, the failing to fix, the ultimate betrayal is squarely his. No matter how much he lies to himself or others about what happened.
No matter how many Bible verses he and his girlfriend post on their Facebook walls, no matter how many times they stand in a church together, the firm fact that cannot be argued is that they, not me, are at fault. We are still married. They are committing adultery. Repeatedly. Because they chose to be dishonest and dishonorable. They chose to do this to me without thought or care of what the outcome would be in my world.
And his family is standing by him, not me, not the “sister” and “daughter” they claimed to love for 20 years. They are welcoming her into their homes. Including her in their functions. Supporting his choice to live without honor or regard for honesty.
How nice. How beautiful for all of them. Look at the big, happy family, who claims to love the Word of God. Aren’t they amazing? Isn’t it wonderful how they read the Bible and apply it?
Can you tell my favorite thing is hypocrisy?
Watch this…this is where the meat is. All that came before this point in this post does. not. matter. All of these things have happened to me. All of them. And they suck.
This is the strength my friends keep talking about:
Those things DO NOT define who I am. I refuse to let those things be my truth. Those things can be their truth. I’m better than that.
And, while I appreciate how people say Karma is a bitch and they will get theirs eventually, here is the thing, that does not help me in any way, shape or form. I cannot heal and move forward if I am looking back to see if Karma catches up with them. Any of them. I cannot care.
And I won’t.
I don’t want revenge. I want the peace of knowing they don’t matter to me. Nor does anything they do or say. I want the peace of knowing they are each getting what they deserve because they are getting each other. And that is the truth. My husband and his girlfriend are both liars who broke up two marriages. What a prize the other is getting! My “family” of 20 years is supporting that. If that is what they are willing to settle for, have at it!
I know I’m better than to have to settle for any of THAT!
This is where I get to walk away and redefine my life. This is where I get to be in charge of what I will and will not accept. This is where the pain and victim collide and I get to move on. This is where I get to decide WHAT I WANT.
This is where I get to be a phoenix.
Look at me rise up!
I am going to rise up and not look back. Because it’s not even worth the effort to try. That life is dead and gone. And, in a strange way, it’s a blessing. Because I’m not settling for ANY OF THAT in my life. I don’t need to and I simply won’t.
Karma, you’ll have to do your work without me watching. I’ve got better things to do with my time.