Goodbye, and thank you.

It’s over.

And, it truly is not you. It’s me. Totally, utterly, completely me.

I can’t come back here any more.

I can’t look back any longer. I can’t analyze. I can’t dissect. I can’t examine. There is nothing left to see.

I won’t do it. More importantly, I don’t want to.

I want to go back to living my life looking forward. To dreaming about the future. Analyzing, dissecting, and examining the possibilities. And I don’t want to invite him along. And, I can’t take you. Because you are tied to him.

I know it’s different for everyone. Some people can look in all directions at once. Some people can meld the past and the future.

But, I’m different. I need a clean break. I’m not who I was when I started this journey. This blog belongs to another woman. A woman that I no longer recognize.

She is me. But I am no longer her. And, like my old life, she is of the past. And all the pain and suffering? All that needs to stay here.

Because there is no room for any of that in my life now. My life is full. Of good things. Of GREAT things. And I am going to be exceedingly selfish about who and what I allow in.

So, goodbye Meg, who was his wife. You really were a wonderful wife. You were dealt a shit hand. You didn’t deserve it. Life rarely works in the way that people get what they really deserve, both good and bad. I truly want to thank you for paving the way for me. I will never forget what you did for me. I will always be thankful that you were strong enough to create me.

But, I have to leave you here.

Unexpectedly Fearless

I used to be terrified to fly…to the point of needing medication. Not now. Not anymore.

Just one more random fact brought to me by divorce. There is nothing left to fear because there is nothing left to lose. I’ve literally got nothing left to lose.

Who Am I?

No longer wife. Who am I now? Sky’s the limit, but some days that sky just seems so far away.

And what do I do about my name? I had his name for the same amount of time I had mine…and now I’m neither person anymore. What would you do…because I just don’t know.


No, not the fun kind.

I’m in limbo. Not quite divorced, not quite married. I’ve actually been here for quite a while, and you’d think I’d be used to it by now. But this time is different. This time there is an end in sight and I can almost taste it.

“D” day came and went. We had a full trial, because, well, why wouldn’t we? You can’t negotiate with a narcissist.

We have nothing left. We have no assets. And in addition to leaving me, he wants me to pay for all of our remaining debts. I have a bit of a problem with that.

In any case, after the trial and before the gavel came down, the Judge said a whole bunch about the dissolution of my marriage, and that we have three children and I’m not pregnant…yadda yadda, but she never actually signed anything. She said she would submit her written findings by August 28th.

My lawyer assures me I am divorced. But, without a signed decree, I’m still in limbo. I can’t legally prove that I am divorced.

This (and only this) roller coaster is almost done. I say “only this” because I’m not stupid enough to think that baloney he pulls will go away simply because we are no longer married.

And being at the point where I can almost exit the ride is truly a relief. I’m still sad. I’m still angry. There are days I still ache for my husband to return. But, I’ve come to accept there are things that I cannot change. And, I am moving on. I have been able to shift the majority of my grief into pity. Pity for the man he’s become. Because, he is pitiful.


“D” Day

So, tomorrow is supposedly “D” day. I’ve had so many false “D” day predictions that I’m not sure if I believe it or not.

Could this actually be the last day I am married to him? Is it really, finally, over?

So much has transpired, and I know I can (and would) never go back. Everything I thought I knew about him was false. His values, his morals, his love for his family…all lies. The selfishness in this person I spent half my life with is astounding and still takes my breath away at times. I’m working toward forgiving him on a daily basis; however, forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. I don’t know why people insist on lumping them together.

Still, I sometimes stop and wonder where that boy with the beautiful eyes who made my heart skip so many beats went. I wonder if he ever tries to look out of those eyes, the ones that are still beautiful, but so cold and dead now. I wonder if he’s still in there, somewhere, mourning what he has forced us to lose, what he allowed himself to forget and throw away. I wonder what he thinks about himself for letting this man take over and ruin our lives. I wonder if he has any feelings at all. I wonder if he’s in there.

But, I think not. I think he’s dead.

I think if he was still in there, regardless of what ever became of the marriage that we embarked upon, he would NEVER treat his children the way this man has. He would stand up and put them first. But, this man has done none of that. He has done his best to put himself first. In EVERY situation. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

So, as he sits pretty in the house he allowed his mother and father to buy for him, as his children lost their childhood home, as he continues to perpetuate his lies and tell everyone how much he supports us, as he continues to try to avoid to pay what he owes, and as he continues posting and boasting about his affair on Facebook, I continue to grow stronger. I continue to find ways to let my children know, every day, how awesome and amazing they are. I continue to go to work, every day, and kick ass at my job. I continue to heal, every day, and rebuild my life into a thing a beauty that he cannot touch. I continue to count my blessings, every day, and realize that no matter how bleak things appear at times I am beyond blessed.

I have taken a long, deep look in a reflecting pool. I’ve examined myself, dug deep. And you know what? I realized he forgot who he married. But, more importantly, I realized that he wasn’t the only person who forgot who he married. I forgot who he married. I forgot what an amazing woman he landed. I forgot how strong she was and how giving she was and how talented she was. I forgot that she was valued and valuable. I chose to listen to the lies that were being whispered to my soul. I let the doubt settle in and become a cancer. I chose to believe the worst happened because I deserved no better.

The cruelest way to part with someone is to make them think it was their fault when it wasn’t. When you’ve already made the decision and there is nothing they can do to change anything. To tell them you are “finding” yourself, when you’ve already found yourself in the arms of another.  And he was cruel to me. Very, very cruel.

So, whether “D” day happens tomorrow, or not, I’ve come to realize that it is only a piece of paper. He divorced me the day he allowed that boy to die. It just took me this long to realize it. My grief was long, and very strong. It nearly did me in, and I nearly let it. I may be amazing, but, I’m not special. There is nothing extraordinary about me. If I can make it through this kind of hell, then anyone can. The trick is to do it one day at a time. The milestone days are every day…not just days like “D” day.


I told you so…

I was sitting at Panera with a really good friend discussing my present situation. She’s helping me figure out how to get rid of my house with the least collateral damage. We were catching up on all the activities currently going on in my life, talking through what my next moves are, joking about how graceful I am in pretty much every situation (in case you missed it, that reads as sarcasm), and generally just enjoying a great visit with a great girlfriend.

And then it happened.

She reached across the table, put her hand on mine and said, “Meg, I’m sorry to have to say this…but I told you so.”

And she gave me a huge smile.

And I smiled back.

Because she did tell me so. You ALL told me so.

It got better. Life got better.

I got better.

Stronger. Wiser. And dare I say, happier.

And not just happier, but actually happy.

Who knew that the steel in my spine would be able to handle this test? Well, apparently, you all did.

So I welcome each and every “I told you so” and wear it as a badge of honor. They mean that I’ve jumped another hurdle, survived another pothole, weathered another storm and come out whole on the other side.


Fresh Breath

Well, it’s been over a year since he moved out. The day after the super bowl was one year. I read somewhere that, much like surviving the first year of marriage, once you survive the first year of divorce things get easier. You aren’t as surprised by the differences that happen at the holidays. The anniversaries start to become dull and distant. I’ll have to let you know next year if that is the truth.

That day seems like just yesterday and a lifetime ago at the same time. I can remember each detail like a snap shot, still feel the jagged whole in my heart, still remember fracturing into a billion pieces, and still remember the struggle to catch my breath as if my lungs may never fill with enough air again.

But lungs are funny organs. Slightly different than the heart…lungs can actually sprout new growth after damage. Meaning, not only can the size increase, but you can really grow new tissue to replace what has been lost.

And that is what I feel like I’ve been doing. I’ve been growing a new me. Granted, still a work in progress, but my friends aren’t breathing for me anymore. I am fully engaged in my own breaths. And the breaths are no longer for simple survival, they are for living life.

So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other. Continue to take my next breath. Continue to take care of all that needs to be taken care of. I just do it. And each day is slightly (just slightly, but still) better than the one before. So I’m looking forward to tomorrow and letting yesterday stay where it is.

Past, Present, Future

I know I have been remiss about posting, and I apologize. This single mom stuff is for the birds at times. But, I want to reflect on the past, update the present, and look forward to the future as this year is coming to a close. Grab some coffee…this may take a while.

The divorce is almost final. This has been the longest divorce on record where there is nothing to split but debt. It’s been insane and exhausting. He wants the divorce, with every cell of his being, but he wants to leave without supporting us. He has decided that walking away from me includes walking away from ALL responsibility. He decided that he didn’t like the fact that you can’t just do that, so when he was ordered to pay me, he quit his job.


Quit. His. Job.

I realized at that point that I was on my own. I have to assume this seemingly never-ending cycle of sadness with a side of self-doubt will eventually come to an end. Especially since I can look at what I’ve accomplished in the past three months and basically tell him to go jump in the lake. I went out and found a great new job. (I had many friends and family members who reached out to help me with this endeavor…if I forgot to thank you, thank you!) and I am supporting my kids by myself. Not that we aren’t counting every penny, not that I still won’t lose everything we worked for in our marriage…the house will be foreclosed. BUT, I will be able to stay here long enough to have my daughter graduate with her friends. I will be here long enough to let my son finish out the school year. I will be able to pick a place to move that fits my current life. I will be okay. The daily reminders won’t be so front and center. I won’t catch glimpses of him and our past out of the corner of my eye everyday. I won’t wake up in our bed, in our room, in our home. I will wake up in my bed, in my room, in my home.

And, as painful and sad that it is that I’m losing everything, I have gained much as well. I have a renewed sense of self-confidence. Look what I can do! I don’t NEED him. You don’t love me? You don’t want me? You won’t pay what you owe? That speaks to you and your personality buddy, not me or mine! And that, right there is the answer to these questions: How can he just walk away? How can he do this to me? Because HE is broken.

Part of that confidence has come from leaning on my family and friends. I have met people (both online and in real life) that I never would have met had this not occurred. I have done things I never thought I could/would do. I have forged a new path. I have a job that I’m kicking ass at, I am making Christmas happen for my kids, I rediscovered my creativity, and I know now that I am the strong one and I always have been. I have been able to cut through the bullshit he piled on my plate on the way out the door and decipher what was really happening. I have picked out the times where he was truly being honest, like the times before I knew about her when he told me there was nothing wrong with me but something very wrong with him, and shone the light on those statements. Now that I am able to look back and see the whole picture, those bits of honesty are easier to pick out.

Through this process, I have created hard boundaries that I am sticking to. I used to put up with so much from people because I thought it was necessary to keep the peace. But the hypocrisy of my so-called family (in-laws) to whom I have been sister and daughter to for the past 20 years has taught me that it is okay to stick to my guns. The fact that they all dropped me, no questions asked, and won’t even reach out to help my children is probably one of the biggest eye-openers of this whole situation. You’ll buy a goat for a village in Africa, but you won’t see if your own grandchildren or nieces and nephew need food? Because they did need food. I realized that the head-in-the-sand mentality is something I don’t need, or want in my life. This is a family so deep in denial that I actually received a Christmas card from his Aunt in Florida, addressed to all of us (including him), telling us how much she loves us and keeps us in her prayers. No one told her? No one? Really? Who lives life like that?

I look at the people I have in my life now and realize that I get to keep them there because I WANT to keep them there. I get to choose. It’s very liberating.

I still struggle, daily, with the fact that I am getting a divorce. I don’t believe in divorce. It’s not an option. I made a promise. I made a commitment. What was so horrible with our life that it has to come to this? Why? Why? Always why. But, I am finally able to realize that the answer to all of those whys is the same…it’s him. I am not blameless for the bumps in the road of our relationship. I take full responsibility for my portion of my marriage. But I will not take responsibility for this divorce. That is on him. He left. He cheated. He gave up and refused to work at our relationship. He is why. I just have to work on the forgiving part. Not for his sake, but for mine.

So, I have been doing all of this work now. I have been healing, and growing stronger, and truly working on myself now. I am getting better, everyday. So many of you said it would happen and I didn’t believe you. But you were right. Which makes me think you are right about the rest of it. He is unemployed, living with his parents, dating a woman who was willing to break up a marriage…his life isn’t real right now.

But it will be.

She’s going to go away at some point (or not, and I really don’t care because they deserve each other). He can’t be unemployed or live with his parents forever.

And one day he’s going to wake up and realize what he did.

And he will regret.

But, by then, I’ll be the one who is gone.

You guys have been right about everything else, surely you’re right about this too.


My New Theme Song

I am not the biggest Katy Perry fan; however, I really want to share these lyrics.

This is my new theme song…and I’m never going to forget I have a choice again.

“Roar” by Katy Perry

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice? You hear that sound?
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice? You hear that sound?
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
You’re gonna hear me roar!